Matthew 5:31-32— Series on the Mount #16

31 "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

There are a lot of the passages in the Sermon on the Mount that have been tough for me to preach and possibly tough for you to hear. Jesus is loving, but His love is deeply challenging to our culturally shaped way of life

But, one point of solace or comfort that I have had is that in all of these areas so far, I have felt like, “I may not know everyone else’s story, but I have dealt with this issue in my life and so at least I know of what I speak.”

That’s true for lust and for anger and for selfishness and self-righteousness and pride and the whole bit. But as I dug into this passage this week, that relation disappeared. The truth is I have never been divorced and have never contemplated the idea. I have been blessed with a woman who has loved me unconditionally, even when I was at my most unlovable. And the only personal experience that I do have is from the vantage point of a child raised in a split home with a lot of anger and bitterness between the parents.

So, there was a lot of conflict in my heart this week because I was worried about coming across as that holier than thou preacher who doesn’t understand what life is like in the real world.

Then I was reminded of the passage that I read and try to meditate on each week before I get up here to do what I do.

Here’s the verses, you don’t need to turn to it, but do listen up.
Jeremiah 26:2-3 (New International Version)

2 "This is what the LORD says: Stand in the courtyard of the LORD's house and speak to all the people of the towns of Judah who come to worship in the house of the LORD. Tell them everything I command you; do not omit a word. 3 Perhaps they will listen and each will turn from his evil way. Then I will relent and not bring on them the disaster I was planning because of the evil they have done.

Now that middle piece is what I locked in on:
Tell them everything I command you; do not omit a word

In other words, "Ken, it is not your experiences that save people from sin. Ken, you just read from the Scripture and unpack what it says."

With all that said, this is still a hard text. Actually, I emailed a pastor friend of mine in Ohio, he’s one of my mentors and I had this long list of questions about this text, and how I should approach it.

After all that, I ended the email with the question, “Can you help me out?”

This was his actual response:
Ken,
I’ll answer your last question first, “Can you help me out?” The answer is “Yes, pick another topic.”

He was joking, but I had considered it.

But that wasn’t going to happen, I dare not shy away from Scriptures that make me or us uncomfortable. It is that kind of word from God that we are likely to need most.

And also know that if you are not divorced and are not contemplating such a thing, this message is still for you too.

And we should just stop here and earnestly pray for guidance from the Spirit.

Let’s pray…

Actually that pastor with the e-mail called on Monday and we talked at length about the passage and he reminded me of something we all need to be reminded of, and that is the verse found at 1 Peter 4:8
I think that is especially important to remember in times when we talk with a brother or sister that is dealing with — or has dealt with — a sin that is foreign to us.

For example, if you struggle with pride, you are more likely to show grace and compassion to one who is trying to find victory through Christ from that same sin. But, say you have never dealt personally with the grip of addiction, you may be more quick to write off someone in that sin instead of coming along beside them to pour love into that relationship.

It is the nature of fallen men and women to shake a finger at sins they don’t deal with. What we need to blanket every discussion with is love and compassion, Amen?

Now, let’s look at Matthew 5: 31-32 again:

31 "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

We live in a disposable society today. One of our servant leaders here is big on the environment and stewarding resources in a responsible way and he once pointed out that hardly anything is made in a way that repair is a viable option. We have been taught and have allowed ourselves to buy into the idea that if there’s something wrong. Get rid of the one and just move on to the next one.

This is true with cars and toys and televisions and DVD players and the whole bit. And what has also happened is that we continue to expand the definition of what “there is something wrong with this” is. We used to wait until something was actually broken, or hazardous, or at least unsightly. Now it just has to be last year’s model (or even last month’s model). And we’re read to throw it out.

And this isn’t a sermon on stuff; this is a sermon on marriage and the covenant that we make with or spouse and with God Himself when we wed. The connection is that we, as a culture have made marriage relationships into just another disposable resource.

She doesn’t clean up the house like he thinks she should. He doesn’t come home on time and that makes her mad. She doesn’t look like the woman from the TV show or the movie that he watches. He doesn’t talk romantically like her friend’s husband does in his marriage. She doesn’t… He won’t… She used to but now… He makes a lot of promises, but…

And all these little things have become reasons to look to end marriages and go out and try to find that “right” relationship. But Jesus says if there is a divorce for ANY reason except adultery, it violates His will. And as a pastor named John MacArthur points out, adultery itself is only a technicality.

If we look at how God continued to love the nation of Israel through all of their sin, through all of their idolatry (which God equates to adultery), If God can do that for Israel then we too, should not be so quick to throw in the towel.

If we look at the Old Testament prophet Hosea, who continued to love and care for and draw back into relationship with his wife even after she slept around and even had kids with other men, then we too should show some faithfulness even in the light of our spouse’s sin.

And, men, what greater command did we ever get for marriage than what is found in

Ephesians 5:25 (New International Version)

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

We’ve all heard that verse before. Some of us have heard it a thousand times. But as Jesus says at the end of the Sermon on the Mount it is those who hear the words and put them into practice that honor God. In other words let’s not throw in the towel. Not in the small areas and even when things seem especially dark. We must remember our commitment to our spouse and again toward God. And we need to look at the permanence of marriage the way God does. We are not to be like the world and just see trouble with our spouse as an excuse for another upgrade.

Now, the context of the Sermon on the Mount gives us one clue as to where the Pharisees and teachers of the Law stood on the subject of marriage and divorce. They had taken an Old Testament passage in Deuteronomy 24:1-4, and twisted it and made divorce an easy process, so they could move on to the next conquest.

If you look at the scripture right before this piece on divorce Jesus was calling the people out on the subject of adultery and lust. Remember, they set the standard as don’t sleep around while you are married, Jesus said, no, don’t even be looking at anyone but your spouse in that way.

So, I may be reading too much into this, but it seems to be that this, lust, was a big motivation for the men to seek divorce at that time. When they saw the next fine woman walking their way they wouldn’t pursue that conquest until their current wife got walking papers. And they thought that was all right! They thought that that was legit!

And also, looking in the cultural context of the time Jesus was preaching, you can see his compassion for the women of divorce. My pastor friend in Ohio, his name is Ron Grubb, he often points to the necessity, the need to look at all scripture with a redemptive hermeneutic. In other words, in everything we read we should first ask, how is this passage demonstrating the covering of God’s love? How is he pushing for redemption in this?

And if you understand what happened to most women of that day because of divorce, His compassion — Jesus’ compassion for these wives is evident. You see back then it was not likely that a women could file for divorce. Many women — not all — but many were treated in that culture like property.

So again, the man saw another conquest, or he wasn’t pleased with something about his wife and he would just sign her off. But, many of these women had nowhere to turn after they were kicked out. They were seen as damaged goods, their families would not take them back, society scorned them and many of them turned to prostitution or other desperate means just to survive. We don’t know for sure, but this is a likely scenario that led the Samaritan woman at the well to have been with several husbands by the time she met Jesus.

Women have more independence now, thank God. And they are more highly respected.
That is wonderful. That piece, the cultural piece has changed dramatically, at least here in the states. You still find similar situations in India and other nations today. But not here.

But, the question of divorce has now broadened. The difference in our society today is that now it is both the men and the women that give up and walk away from their commitments.

And, how many great justifications and rationalizations have you heard when people have decided to get a divorce? How many of those reasons have made sense in light of the Scriptures?

Now, as we go on, so far we’ve mainly been addressing the disposable culture outlook on marriage. There are other cases where you have real deep and damaging problems that drive people to divorce and that is where this gets hard to talk about. Right?

What do we say to the woman who has been beaten, to the man who has seen abuse of his children? What about the big reasons to leave? Because yes there are a lot of trivial reasons that people get a divorce, but there are also a lot of painful situations that cry out for our mercy and understanding.

Remember God alone is the judge. We are NEVER to cast a stone at those who are in this place. We provide comfort and BIBLICAL support, or we do nothing. If all you can say is words of condemnation, please stop talking. Repent from your self-righteousness and clam up until you can get back to a place where you can recognize the mercy you’ve been shown by God. Then, once you are there, start pouring that same kind of mercy out to those in pain.

So, what then? What do we say?
First, if you or your children are being abused, get out of there. We will help you find a safe place, or we will put you in contact with people who can help you. And even then though, I believe there has to at least be an attempt at healing once things have cooled off.

Jesus makes one caveat, “except for marital unfaithfulness.” And again, that isn’t a command to divorce, but permission in that ONE case.

In Genesis 2:24 we are told, “…a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Becoming one flesh is permanent; getting married isn’t like putting on a suit of clothes that can be easily taken off. It is like taking on flesh — like skin and bone and sinew — Two become ONE. To divorce is then like taking a meat cleaver and hacking off an arm or leg.

We have a local man, a veteran of World War II, whose arm was severely damaged in combat — to the point to where the doctors wanted to amputate. But, as this veteran tells the story, he awoke during the discussion of taking the arm and he refused. He told them there was no way they were taking that arm.

And just like society many times looks at the obvious pain and disjointedness in a marriage and says "End it. Cut it out. Sever that relationship." So to did the doctors try to convince the veteran to allow the amputation.

But even though he understood how things looked hopeless. And even though he knew that many people might question his decision, he would not part with his flesh and bone.

His recovery process was long and painful. There was a lot of work that had to be done to rebuild what had been so badly damaged. And though the scars remain as a testament to the struggle, our friend is able to use both hands to this day, a half a century later.

In a similar way, I know couples that had every worldly reason to divorce, cops were involved — often.
There was abuse, there was neglect, there was manipulation and infidelity. Bottom line, there was sin and it was deeply rooted in their lives and in their marriages. But, today, a handful of those couples have found healing.

Healing and restoration, even though many friends and family told them they should end the relationship. Their healing was not overnight, but their commitment to one another persevered and they are reaping the harvest of their commitment.

So it is possible.

But again, we aren't going to pretend that it always works out. I'll repeat; if there is an immediate danger get out of there now. Because I have also seen people get disabled and come close to death in those situations where they refused to get help.

So, we could talk about this for days, and if you are contemplating a divorce I beg you to come to one of us and talk about it first. And let us pray for you and let us look at this from every angle before you decide to end your marriage.

Okay? Moving on.
If you and your spouse aren’t in this kind of turmoil, or, if you’re not even married, what can you take away from here tonight?

If you have been divorced, Scripture is clear that it is a sin that God equates to faithlessness (Mal. 2:15-16) and we are not to sugarcoat it. God hates sin He hates divorce. BUT, divorce is not the unpardonable sin. There is grace and mercy. Hear that tonight. God is not mad at YOU. If you have sinned in this way. Do what every one else is called to do in any sin. Turn this over to God, move on. If you haven’t or if you are still holding tight to some unforgiveness, God says let that go.

And, if you have done some things that may require restitution or apologies, remember what Jesus said earlier in the Sermon on the Mount, if you come to give your gift at the altar and there realize that a brother (or an ex) may have something against you, GO AND BE RECONCILED.

There is no time limit on that command. GO.

And if you have remarried or if you are in your first marriage, praise God for your spouse.
The question is how can we avoid the next divorce or our first divorce. How do we keep from becoming another statistic?

— We need to start by making OUR PART in our marriages as good as it can be.

— We have no control over our wives or husbands, so we best just worry about our side of the equation

— We are to pour in love to our spouse the way God pours love into us.

— We are to pour in forgiveness and mercy in the big things and the small things.

— We are to let go of the things that we may have held over one another’s heads.

— We are to make our spouse the ultimate focus of our sexual attention; we aren’t to waste our time or energy on anything that keeps our eyes off of our spouse. We are to make that part of our relationship a priority too. The Bible is very clear that sex is a gift for us to enjoy in marriage. So enjoy it.

— And finally, if we have done something wrong, we own up to it, we apologize, we make it right.

In other words, we clean up our side of the street.

And one final thing on this line of thought:

Do all of this for God. Don’t save or rebuild or reinforce the marriage for the kids, or for our reputations. Don’t do it because divorces are expensive. We should not even do it for our own gratification. We do it because God has given us a wonderful gift that we are to steward well. Like everything else, true love for one another is only fruitful if it springs first from our love for God.

Now, we are almost done, but my last piece is for the un-married folk or those who are about to be wed. This is the time to discover the defects that might later cause major difficulties. If there is abuse now, there will be abuse later, if there is emotional manipulation now, it won’t magically disappear once you say I do.

Really figure out. Is this more than emotion keeping you together? Ask, “God, is this the person you would have me to be with?”
And, if they are an unbeliever, I would say do not marry them until or unless they come to faith in Christ as the Savior and Lord. This is an area I can speak into. We are told in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 not to become unequally yoked with unbelievers. That passage is not strictly and only relating to marriage, but it does apply there. My wife was a believer before I was and she married me when I was completely against God.
Now, on the surface, I was a “nice guy” but I didn’t love the Lord — in fact I mocked those who believed. And eventually my demons caught up with me and with us. It really did go down hill from there.
But, she stuck it out. And eventually I found the Lord and our life is pretty awesome now, but that really is God’s grace covering over our sin and poor judgment. Don’t take His grace for granted.

In the end, You never completely know anybody fully, so you may think you are marrying one person and the devil doesn’t come out until later. But, the advice I would give to you if you are not married, is what my old pastor in Ohio used to say. “Just start running as hard as you can toward Christ and then look to see who’s running beside you.”

It’s PROBABLY not old girl from the bar. It’s probably not the guy who cheated on his wife or girlfriend to pursue you. You get it. In other words don’t get unequally yoked.

Now we are going to close.

And I know that I have not touched on every issue relating to divorce, this could be a whole series. What I would ask, what I would beg is that if you are considering a divorce, please talk to someone, if not one of us, than someone else you can trust. And talk to someone who will talk to you and give you advice through the lens of scripture. Because there are a lot of people that will just tell you what you want to hear and they’ll tell you what culture says.

We won’t do that here. We believe strongly that we are to force our lives — sometimes kicking and screaming — into position with God’s word. We are not to be selective with God’s commands in Scripture just to fit our preferences.

And that is true in every area, not just marriage.

And if you have been divorced, I would beg you not to turn it into self-loathing, or resentments toward you ex or any of that. Or if you’ve been through a divorce and you have never had any conviction of the Holy Spirit I would say, what scripture says. Don’t keep trying to justify it and paint a pretty face on it, if that is what you are doing. No, recognize the sin and turn it over to God with a repentant heart. He forgives us of our sins, but we do need to acknowledge them as sins.

And again, if you aren’t divorced; or if you are and have remarried; the most important thing to do is to make marriage a top priority in your life.

We love God first and then love others and I would say after God, our spouse should be at the top of that list of “others”. Before our co-workers, before our classmates, before those we minister to in the world, even before our kids. Your wife or your husband should never wonder where they stand with you, and they should now that, like Christ, you would pour out your very life in dedication to their betterment.

That’s what love is folks. It’s not cards, chocolates and flowers.

It’s selfless, unconditional commitment. Even when it’s hard — especially when it’s hard.

Let’s pray.